8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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