Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
her vagine was all disorganized.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
