she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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