M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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