Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize