I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
