the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
