I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
