Sorry, I don't speak sober.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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