I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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