I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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