every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
