sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize