I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
