Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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