fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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