I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
