can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
