If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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