One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
