My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize