Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
