The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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