period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
