Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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