Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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