I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize