soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
