Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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