Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
