Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize