I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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