I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
