If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
