woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
