hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
