i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Found your dick twin last night
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Never joke about your clitoris.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
