Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Is it because I queefed?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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