you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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