so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
