I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
