this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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