OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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