I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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