Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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