unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
