he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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