Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i now understand why vodka
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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