I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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