Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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