happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
