I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
