he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
