The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
