if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize