The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
