How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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