just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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