i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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