I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I will be naked everywhere
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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