My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Your shirt... Was in my pants
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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