Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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